Michelle Elman has admitted “living a long life is overrated”, a week after undergoing her 19th surgery.
The This Morning expert, 33, was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery last week, amid her battle with hydrocephalus.
Michelle was born with the condition. It causes an excess of cerebrospinal fluid on the brain. Doctors later discovered that she was also born with a brain tumour. Now, she’s shared an update, revealing the intense amount of physical pain she’s in.
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This Morning’s Michelle Elman ‘not sure she’ll make it out of this’
Posting a video to Instagram, Michelle shared: “Maybe living the longest isn’t the goal. Excuse my morbid mindset but it’s been five months of this and I think if I’ve learnt anything it’s that living a long life is overrated.
“There have been multiple moments where I’ve been near death or emergency surgeries and the last thing I said to my best friend, my dad, my sister, whoever’s been out here before I’ve gone into surgery is I don’t want to live if I can’t do the things I love.
“I want my brain and my body to work. And if I’m confined to a hospital bed, I don’t want it. And if this is all the time I have left, then I am happy with that.”
Michelle went on: “Frankly I’ve had more time than I ever thought I would get because I thought I wouldn’t be here past the age of 21. And the longer this goes on, crossing the five month mark now, I’m not sure I’ll make it out of this.”
‘Living a long life is not the goal’
The life coach also spoke about the trolling she’s had “as a plus-size woman”. “But what I do know, especially as a plus-sized woman who’s had comment sections full of the fact I am going to die young even though my health problems started long before I was plus sized, is that living a long life is not the goal.
“There are many people who live a long live hating on others, being judgmental, being cruel, being mean. So 90 years on this earth doesn’t mean you get the most amount of life if you have spent most of that life just taking it for granted. And that’s one thing I have never done. I have not taken one second for granted.”
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‘Dying’ as a child
A near-death experience when she was a child has made Michelle unafraid of death, she said. “Maybe it’s because I had the fortunate moment at 11 years old of flatlining, floating above my body. Ever since that moment I’ve believed that death is peaceful. Don’t get me wrong, the moments before dying are incredibly painful. But just as you float out of your body, that peacefulness, that calm, it’s the literal embodiment of the feeling of relief.
“I think being aware of my mortality my whole life means that over the last five months I have come to terms with my mortality. So if this is it for me, I have lived a good life and it’s been an honour to be surrounded by so much love. And I do hope I make it out of this. I’m going to give it all I’ve got. But this idea of fighting to the very end, I can’t imagine anything worse.
“And sometimes your fight being gone is not a bad thing, it is just replaced by peacefulness, calm and acceptance.”
Michelle Elman admits ‘a body can only take so much’
She shared more on her Stories, saying: “I’ve done the fighting, pushing through and enduring. And I’ve reached the stage where I want ease. And if I can’t have it, I want life on my own terms.”
Michelle continued: “A body can only take so much. If you look up babies with hydrocephalus, you will see the extreme stress your body is put under where your head grows. I’m an adult so my skull can’t grow. So instead it feels like your skull is crushing your brain. It’s now happened twice for over three months and you are just trapped in your body with no escape to the extent when they cut into my body, water came gushing out because it had nowhere to go.”
She added poignantly: “And at some point, I’m not sure it’s moral for someone to endure that extent of trauma.”
Read more: Michelle Elman reveals she was ‘trying for a baby’ with cheating fiancé
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