Huge panic! Tonight I’m going to the Jeans for Genes launch in Knightsbridge and everyone is going to look amazing… apart from Worzel Gummidge here.
I haven’t bought clothes since I left the Big Brother house five weeks ago.
Nothing fits me because I’ve lost so much weight and meanwhile my hair has decided to take a week off.
I never realised how stressful it is going to red carpet events.
I’ve got no help choosing my clothes and when I get it wrong my agent looks me up and down like a 1970’s lampshade and gives a justifiably disappointed sigh.
I desperately need help!
I know my old Big Brother housemates Sam Giffen and Laura Carter will be there looking stunning.
As Laura would say… I can’t cope!
I mean, where does a 34-year-old guy go to get nice clothes on a budget?
When I go to Topman I feel like a creepy person who should be on some kind of fashion-related police register.
And I don’t know about buying clothes on the internet. People say you can return stuff you don’t like and outfits that don’t fit but that sounds like way too much effort considering everything I ever try on in shops looks rubbish and cuts my circulation off.
In my world, straight cut jeans are super skinny jeans and super skinny jeans are like denim handcuffs for my feet.
Clothes these days are designed for men with twiglet legs and chunky torsos.
Unfortunately for me, God gave me the upper body of a starving elderly woman and the lower body of a rhinoceros.
I am like some kind of nightmarish centaur.
At the start of my post-BB adventure I was rocking the T-shirt and jacket look but how many times can I do that?
And this is about jeans, right? Maybe I’ll go in dungarees just to stick a finger up at life.
But no… I need to feel confident at these things.
Everyone else looks so glamorous and polished; their hair perfect, their smiles white, their skin like alabaster. I hate them.
Well today I record a pilot for a possible new radio show with the very cute and very hunky Charlie King. Maybe he can give me some advice on dressing well.
Saving that I’ll just do what Ryan Ruckledge did when he was evicted from the Big Brother house and wear a bin bag.